This power tool blows

Given different circumstances, I could have been a nationally renown consumer product reviewer and advocate.
Check out my hypothetical review, for example, for the Hasta Leaf Vista 4000 power tool, the latest and greatest brand from a respected national hardware-making company.
"Ah, the monochromatic green that covers the Virginia mountains in the summer has given way to the bright patchwork of golds, oranges and reds that stretches on to the horizon in autumn.
"The mountain views obtain new depth as the eye seeks to take in all it can of the astonishingly beautiful and fleeting vivid hues on the ground, until the vibrant canopy meets the strip of sky blue, surmounted by a pile of black-to-gray-to-white clouds towering over the scene.
"The lovely visual effect will soon be interrupted by a less pleasant sensory experience — the eardrum irritating whine of leaf blowers, the least necessary category of yard work power tool known to suburban America, such as the Hasta Leaf Vista 4000."
I could sum up my feeling about this product by simply writing "they blow" in my review, but in keeping with the serious and earnest desire of the consumer products magazine in trying to help people spend their salaries and wages wisely, I would attempt to proceed with a higher-minded tone.
"True, occasionally, a leaf blower can be sighted out-of-season in an urban environment, whirring away at growing mounds of cigarette butts, making them skitter around the sidewalks and cascade into the gutter before being scooped up by the good municipal worker.
"I acknowledge that leaf blowers are as good as their name in directing that blast of air at loose yard debris with the idea of moving the dross about from place to place.
"Still, I would encourage each and every property owner to ask themselves, 'How much do I want to invest in a high-tech yard thingamajiggy? Another marginal he-man power tool to take up space in my basement/outbuilding, collecting dust for 50 weeks out of the year, having to be shifted around constantly because it always ends up in front of a more valuable and useful item?'
"Even for the most procrastinating and grudging outdoor chores worker, a leaf blower is probably only useful for a week or two out of the year.
"With some prices for leaf blowers coming in at or near the hundreds of dollars, the cost-to-benefit ratio just doesn't balance out for me.
"I cannot with a clear conscience recommend the purchase of a Hasta Leaf Vista 4000 — or any leaf blower for that matter — when a much more elegant solution remains."
And here I'd launch into a nostalgic diatribe about the good ole days of yard work past, probably prompting a scowl and some wordsmithing to tighten up the piece by my hardboiled consumer products editor.
"Some property owners can harken back to youth when yard work served as a rite of passage to adulthood and every blister built up a child's character.
"Yard work back then wasn't easy and it wasn't supposed to be.
"Each child who put their shoulders to their reel mowers and hunched over their manual rakes not only made their picket fenced home presentable, they also learned about the importance of work to the American way of life.
"The more enterprising ones canvassed their neighborhood looking to make an honest dollar
"Those youth prepared themselves for the world of work and primed themselves on the importance of fiscal matters.
"No doubt many of them went on to careers and made their fortunes based on the strengths and the talents developed from the lessons of their chores.
"So, if you need some leaves raked, the better idea — perhaps even the more patriotic idea — is to go to the store and spend a minimal amount of money on a rake and set it to sweeping the ground.
"A little manual labor is good for the soul — think of the sense of accomplishment from doing the job with your own two hands. And, in this case, it's a good feeling for the wallet, too."